West Palm Beach Fl.- unedited journal

The Complete Journal

27th March

Unbelievable! Hayley Parfitt and myself go to the beach for a Vimto and a bun and it appears the good people of Palm Beach don’t want us back! FFS we’ve only been here a day and they’ve raised the drawbridge back to town!

28th March

Just smacked my shin on the corner of the bed and it bloody hurt! Turned around and my wife of over 25 years Hayley Parfitt was pissing herself laughing. So harsh. Head is glowing like freaking crazy…white skin..red hair.. hot sun = sunburn.. I should know better. Can see my bonce from the International Space Station I reckon. What a dick!

3oth March

We’ve just found Duffy’s on Clematis Street!! Should have ordered both some food…

 

Hayley Parfitt is on the cocktails… Knew she wouldn’t last. Just heard the mother of all thunder claps!! Sounded like a bomb going off… Floor in the apartment shook. Holy shit!

31st March

Morning world from a thundery Florida. Not much sleep last night. Stormy to say the least. Today is the first of 5 days work for Hayley and me. It’s 7.30am and I am ready to rock.

BTW If you think daytime telly in UK is bad, you wanna see this crap over here. Lots of loud middle aged people pretending they’re in their teens with every other word being ‘fantastic’. Even the newsreaders call everyone ‘dorg’ and have belts for skirts..and that’s just the blokes! To be blunt, it’s fucking rubbish.

2nd April

Morning folks. 9.45am in a very sunny Florida. Busy today, no rest for the wicked I guess. Nice and hot now, and Hayley is looking nicely brown. Did not think you could improve on perfection but she’s looking good x On the other side of the coin is the matchstick lookalike walking with her…life is ssoooo unfair…. See you later my lovelies…One rogue wasp in the district and guess whose eyeball it decides to insert its sting in? Nasty and painful unlike the wasp who is a nasty little ******! To be more precise it was a nasty little ******! It is now an ex-wasp…

Just before I start glugging a cool Newcastle Brown, I was thinking about yesterday when some Herbert tried to flog me a $200 bottle of skin cream for Hayley Parfitt. They had obviously never met me. I told him ‘that’s my spends for the hols!’ Besides the fact that her skin is like porcelain, who pays $200 for face cream? That’s £140 FFS…Whose face is that messed up they need to spend $200 on cream? You could get 30 bags of ready mix plaster and do the fucking job properly!!!! Have a good evening…

3rd April

Morning folks. 8.30am here. I have to write quietly as Hayley is sleeping. My keyboard clicks might give it away though. We got asked the other day which food Welsh people eat? Thinking back I should have said bloodied corpses of dragons but I’m not that quick. Apparently we’ve all got ginger hair and spit a lot. Now I know a couple of girls like that, but as I told the individual involved, we are a truly loveable artistic and musical people who emit starlit pearls of goodness with every breath. This seemed confusing to her? Tomorrows stupid question will probably ‘Do you live next to the queen?’. Speak to you all later.

Just found a dollar shop. Went mad, spent $3… It’s only money. Mad I am

 

Juno Beach café and the pier. Beautiful

A little bit pissed off TBH. Just heard Booker T and the MGs ‘Green Onions’ playing in an advert. That’s my ‘One for the Road’ theme tune. I’m going to ring my USA lawyer Hiram L Getzyouashitloadofmoney to sort this out methinks. Cheeky sods

4th April

Morning folks. 8am here and all is well. Had a big day yesterday with the Goddess Hayley Parfitt. Found Guinness, Aldi, The Dollar Shop and the most relaxing drive on mainland USA. It’s the 14 miles between Palm and Delray Beach on Ocean Drive (A1A). 30 minutes of 35mph with no dickheads or horns with lakes on one side and the Atlantic on the other. Last night I was that chilled I pooped ice cubes! The adverts for medicines are cob over here. They tell you about a great product and then spend the best part of a minute telling you about side effects and why you should never take it. LOL On a more serious note, in the Sculpture Park we found the bronze sculpture in the first photo below. It’s Franklin Roosevelt and Sir Winston Churchill (who’s smoking a cigar although the park clearly said no smoking). Just think, in a few months these two could be replaced by Donald Trump and David Cameron!! A sobering thought that could send you to drink. I’m going to cash in my chips, kiss my wife as much as I can and tell the kids I love them before the shit hits the fan

Hayley Parfitt has just ordered a sandwich that seats 10! Leave room for cheesecake babe xx

5th April

Although I have had a few gentle prods at our US cousins’ expense, Palm Beach and the surrounding area is beautiful. This has to be one of my favourite places. It has been tremendous and I would recommend it to anybody without hesitation. In fact, if we could afford it we would look at a place here I think. I would for sure. The US customer service is outstanding; different class. One thing to note is that all meals and drinks are complimentary on Delta airlines. This saves you quite a decent amount of money as well. It surprised us both.

6th April

Morning folks. Big thanks to Vodafone for ringing me at 5.30am to ask about my customer experience. Probably best I was too sleepy to answer?
Hayley Parfitt’s installation was much admired last night, if the next 2 nights are the same I think she will be happy. She should be it looks amazing xx
My eye injury must have been nasty as Hayley wasn’t pissing herself laughing this time.
I had a grade one haircut as well in a salon full of beautiful young ladies. Michael was the hairdressers name. He asked me how I wanted it? I told him to stop taking the piss and just shave the bugger. Apparently the whole salon loved my ‘English?’ Humour Ggrrrrrr!!!! I explained the error of his ways.

A photo of Hayley’s work with light and shadow Beautiful

 

7th April

Morning folks.

Hayley Parfitt and I seem to having brekky in the middle of the Delray Beach WI committee meeting! FYI- we are just going through the financials and then it’s AOB. Apparently I’m making the pot pourri.

 

April 8th

Sorry to be leaving here tonight in all honesty it’s been a blast. Hayley Parfitt exhibiting her artwork was the reason for the trip and that was more successful than either of us probably expected. This is the A1 best part of it all. Despite 17 separate injuries to myself (yes we counted), from slapping my shin repeatedly on the bed from hell to falling off a ladder,and being on the run like Bonnie and Clyde after my parking crime, we would recommend this place to anyone. Beaches everywhere good nightlife and locals who are friendly and helpful. If you fancy Florida but don’t want the rat run of Orlando then this is perfect. Second only to Western Australia (Paula Annesley) in my list of fave places I’ve visited.

Hayley Parfitt is now getting iffy with me, merely because I lost the grip between left and right. Katrina the sat nav girl sent us the wrong way to return the hire car and I then went right instead of left, so her fault? This resulted in a long game of ring a roses as we toured every car park in the bloody airport. All my beloved wife could say was ‘if you’d gave gone left as the policeman told you we would have been fine’ Hmmmm…. She could have a point…. Xx Babe

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